Faces of Families in Alabama

Dear Mr. Holmes,


I do not know you. You have made it clear to the world with your recent comments, that you don't know anyone like me. Without even knowing my name, recently, you have hurt me. You have discouraged the progress I thought we were making as a society. You have stirred in me the feelings that I have dreaded since we adopted our beautiful little boy. Fears that people would make him feel like somehow different colors made us less of a family, worries that rather than celebrating our differences, some people would belittle us.

All of those feelings have rushed over me in the last couple of weeks, and I truly have been saddened. I knew that at some point you were going to apologize. I thought after the meeting yesterday, with so many pictures of some of our state's most beautiful families displayed, you would apologize. But you didn't. I wasn't sure it was possible to make things worse, but you did.

So I need to share with you my truth. I am not colorblind. I see color. But I am not scared of color. I think color is beautiful.


I am sorry that you are living in the past. I am sorry that your views of people like me are based on people's actions that lived generations before me. I am sorry you have not seen my sweet 85 year old granddaddy hug and kiss my little boy. I am sorry that you have not seen communities of people support and even aid in our decision to become a biracial family. I am sorry that you haven't seen the bond between our biological little girl and our adopted son. I am thankful, that unlike you, the people I am surrounded by embrace everyone.

I am glad my little boy isn't old enough to understand the things you said. I am glad he doesn't see me and his daddy as the "white people" that you do not mind regularly trying to discredit. And I pray that by the time he is old enough to understand, that the voices around him shouting love and acceptance will drown out any whispers of hate, like the ones you have shared recently.

I am praying for you, and people like you. I am praying that your heart and your eyes be opened. I am praying that you will realize that the people on the steps of the state house yesterday weren't "a small group, taking a position". They were real families, representing many more families in our state. They weren't taking a position, they were showing you about families formed by love and choice. They were there to prove, that color really doesn't matter.

And I know you will never give anyone a dime of the 100k you promised, but I am fairly sure that you will never make an empty promise like that at the expense of others again. And that is a victory in itself.

One More Kiss Mama..

If you know my little boy, you know he is a handful. Not in a burdensome way. Just in a constant way. He is full speed. All the time. He doesn't sit and watch tv or quietly play with toys. He hits golf balls, and runs thru the house. He would rather be outside running wide open than anywhere else in the world. He is happy. And free.

And all of his energy translates into early mornings. And full days. The hardest days, as you can imagine, are church days. Asking him to sit anywhere quietly more an hour or more.. much less silently is pretty much impossible. He has things he needs to say and do. And so sometimes that means he slips past me to "visit" Yaya more than once during a service. He talks out loud. He gets taken out. Services probably seem longer to me times ten than anyone in the room.. because I am trying to teach this little boy right from wrong. And there are nights like last Sunday when I see real progress.

For the most part, wherever we are, people seem to understand that he is just a little boy through and through. And that means he talks too loud, and he moves around constantly. Occasionally though, people try to make parenting suggestions. Those people are usually without children, or just don't have a clue about having two young children (only 15 months apart!). So I try to smile. And nod.

But the truth is that that little boy who I love completely wears me out. And at night, when I put him in bed, I usually drag myself to bed right behind him. And every night this busy little boy, who doesn't have much time to slow down and be affectionate during the day, will come to the side of my bed and say.. "I need one more kiss, Mama.". And I love that part of the day. The part where he has slowed down enough to realize that he needs one more kiss. The part of the day where he really thinks about his mama.

Today we had a full day of golf, Chuck E. Cheese, Chickfila ice cream, and visiting granddaddy and grandmamma. All with no nap, and no breaks. And as tired as he was, a few minutes after we put him to bed, he came to the side of my bed and said.. "I need one more kiss, Mama". Precious.

You're doing a really good job, Mom.

I was recently talking to one of my favorite friends about a blog I had read online. It was addressing wives before they were mothers. And it rang really true to me. It reminded me of my first love and commitment to my husband. And it encouraged me to refocus and think more intentionally about my marriage. So, I reposted it. I asked my friend if she had read it.. and she said I started.. but I stopped.

I asked her why. What she had to say hit my heart, because I could tell that it was something that she felt deeply. She said.."I cannot be given a guilt trip about another thing. I cannot have another thing I should be doing better put on my list. I am overwhelmed."

And while the article made me feel differently, I totally understood what she meant. Because I am overwhelmed too sometimes. Thankfully, being able to stay home this year, my list is miles shorter. My burden lighter. But still I am overwhelmed sometimes with that sense of inadequacy.

I raise my voice sometimes when my children are out of hand, but I know if I were doing it the right way, I would "redirect" them. I cook a frozen pizza for dinner at least twice a month, and I don't even bother to open a can of veggies to go along with it. I know if I were on the correct pinterest perfected cleaning routine, I would not have these dust balls in the corners of my house. I rarely get a date night to focus on my husband, and when I do I usually call or text whoever has our babies about twenty times. I let opportunities to do good walk right past me sometimes, and rarely do I appropriately express the gratitude I feel when someone does good for me. I fall short in every area.. everyday.

And I guess maybe I am so aware of my shortcomings because of those blogs reminding me that my children are only going to be little for a short time, and I best not miss a second or live with a lifetime of regret. Or the ones that tell me if I don't shape up and be the perfect housewife, mother, chef, maid, and wife I will have let down my husband and permanently damaged my children. Too many of us are trying to meet the standard we feel set by others. You know, our facebook friends who only post the smiling, clean, happy pictures of their children. And then we wonder why our children are usually messy and loud.. and would never take time to smile for a picture. Inadequate. We see the meals posted by super mom of her always healthy, colorful meals. We forget that her children like ours ate poptarts for breakfast. And for a minute, we feel.. Inadequate. We see the pictures of roses given to perfect wives by their perfect husbands. What we don't see is the horrible fight they had last night. And we feel.. Inadequate.

The list could go on and on. And I guess I say all of the above to say.. You are doing a good job, Mom. Your children don't care about the perfect meal, or a spotless house. They have what they need, and that is your love and attention. Your husband understands that when you go to bed, you're tired. And he is proud of you for handling all that you do, even if it is not always gracefully. Stop feeling inadequate. Stop feeling overwhelmed. Stop trying to meet an unreachable standard. You are special, and beautiful, and you are loved. And you're doing a really good job, Mom.

Dealing with Adoption

I read today a blog that discussed how to best communicate with adoptive parents. I agreed for the most part, but I wanted to create my own list.

First of all, adoptive parents aren't pieces of china. They don't have to be tiptoed around or feared. Their story is theirs to tell, and when they are ready to share it with you, I know that you will find it to be at times difficult and overwhelmingly beautiful.

1. Please whatever you do, do not assume the journey to adoption started with infertility. We chose to adopt Andrew not because we knew that we would not be able to have biological children, but because we had on our hearts that adoption was part of God's plan for our family. We were deeply (and still are!!) in love with Andrew and the process to how we gained a son was not important to us. And that's true for a lot of families, the process to gaining children (birth, adoption) isn't important to them, they are just interested in being a family. There have been times people have asked me.. "Would you have adopted knowing you would be able to have Cates?". As with most ignorance, I laugh it off. But the answer is YES! No doubts. Everytime. The adoption of Andrew was equally as precious as the birth of Cates. But I really think it is so sad that lost to these people is the beauty of adoption. Lost to them is the beauty of our little boy being ours by heart, and how that runs so much deeper than blood alone.

2. If you know someone adopted after a struggle with infertility. Just hush. Don't say.. "Oh you'll get pregnant now! It happened to my best friend's sister's preacher's wife." Adoption was not a trade for giving birth. It was a precious way for a family to begin. It should be met with the same excitement of a child being born. The sweet child being brought into the family was long prayed for, dreamed of, and planned for. Celebrate the child.

3. Please don't say "real child". All children are real. You can touch them. They breathe. They are real. If you need a definition of a child's journey into a family, please use the word "biological, birth, adoptive". All acceptable. But really is there a need to even use these words? Tiffany, Jessica, Andrew, and Cates are all mine in different ways. But they are all mine. Children don't need titles, they need love.

4. Everyone asks us what country we adopted Andrew from. Which is funny. He is brown, so he must be from Africa, right?? I know other adoptive parents who have been asked similar questions. Adoption happens right here in America. There are family adoptions. Adoptions from foster care. All sorts. Don't assume every adoption is international (although we support those!).

5. Love us! Support us! There are hard decisions that all adoptive parents will struggle with.. birth families, acceptance issues, even little things like at some of Andrew's doctors offices wanting me to show adoption papers to prove he is mine. We are blessed with such a strong support group. Amazing family and supportive friends, if you have a chance, be that for an adoptive family. I thank God every night for these people. I know someone will thank God for you too.

Those are the big ones that come to my mind. I hope that most adoptive parents are like us, in that, they are not easily offended. They are understanding of people's lack of understanding about different adoptive situations. They are thankful for their experiences, and happy to share them with you. That's my sermon for today :) Hope you don't mind me sharing!!

Paid Parenting. Wait, what??

Only twice do I remember anyone directly saying anything to me about receiving money to foster parent. Once a lady asked me if we received a thousand dollars a month for a child, I laughed out loud. And then respectfully told her.. No. We don't. The next time was a teenage boy who lived with us. He told us someone had told him we just kept him for money. I told him we spent more on his birthday weekend taking him to his first Alabama game, and spending time in Birmingham than we would receive for two months of his being with us. I think he felt better after. And then once, I overheard it. And the people talking were just so ignorant that I chose to forgive them.

And yes, it hurt my feelings, but more than that, it didn't make sense to me.

Who takes strangers into their home, cleans up after them, cooks for them, transports them, loves them, cares for them during sickness, mends hurt hearts, shares vacations, and holidays, works on speech impediments or self confidence issues with them, changes dirty diapers, attends school functions.. just totally parenting and loving someone.. for less than .50 cents an hour. No one does that. It wouldn't make sense.

But I think what really gets me is.. when two parents are divorced.. whoever has primary custody.. so let's just say the mom. She receives child support. She is often remarried and a part of a two income family, but on top of that each month, the children's father will send her child support. And I think we all agree that is the right thing. We don't believe that the mother is parenting her children in order to receive the monthly child support check, do we?

It's the same concept. The state has custody of the child, so they send us child support. It makes sense. I assure you that Tim is careful to make sure that we always use the money for the children. We do allowance, vacations, big Christmases, everything a mother receiving child support would do for her children. But we do it not because they are our own children, but because they need a family to be a part of. And we have a great desire to be that family.

It all goes back to... You can't understand what you don't love. If people don't love children in need enough to bring them into their home.. To go thru everything it means to have someone as a part of their family.. that technically isn't.. then some people have to come up with ulterior motives for people who do.

Like in everything in life, there are foster parents who have given the ministry, at times, a bad name. But that's life. And that can be found in any group of people. I don't see how anyone could be a foster parent, the right kind, and have any money leftover at all. And, I needed you to know that.

My truth.

I am adopted by God. He loved me, and He died for me, and He sought after me, and He saved me. And isn't that where the story stops a lot of the time? But that isn't where it stops. HE ADOPTED ME. He could have forgiven me, and pardoned me, and I would have been worthy of none of that. But HE saw fit to go even beyond that. He welcomed me into His family, He made me His child.

And while I have known that for a long time. I have really reflected on that recently. I am adopted. I was fatherless and without hope, and God took me into His family.

Galatians 4:5-7

To redeem those who were under the law, so that we might receive adoption as sons. And because you are sons, God has sent the Spirit of his Son into our hearts, crying, “Abba! Father!” So you are no longer a slave, but a son, and if a son, then an heir through God.

Isn't that beautiful? I am an heir. An heir to the Creator.

And while when I think about adoption, I will probably always first think of my son, that isn't at all where adoption started for me. And I am so thankful for that.

Cates is Two!!

My sweet girl turned two today. There is so much I want to remember about this time. So I am going to make a list here :)

* You kiss everybody. And it makes their day.
* You speak so well! You have a huge vocabulary. No one can believe you aren't older than you are.
* You love to read, and you make up the words as you go.
* You stand on our kitchen table and pretend you are leading singing. :)
* You know where everyone is during the day.. Daddy at Work! Andrew at School!
* You love to go to Walmart, but you won't sit up top. You have to ride in the bottom with the groceries.
* You love church! You love your class. You love Ms. Betsy and Ms. Alice.
* You love going to Bop and Yayas and Paw Daddy and Na's.
* You are outspoken and strong willed. A lot of times when you are in a bad mood you say.. "Mama, I not be sweet!!"
* Andrew is your best friend. You do everything with him. Love and fuss. And I am thankful you have each other.
* A lot of people have told me you are the prettiest baby they have ever seen :) (and partial or not.. they said it!)
* Almost daily you ask us if we can go to a ballgame. You love football! You love to say Roll Tide! And sing "Hey, Alabama!"
* You are a good eater! You love broccoli, and bananas.. and poptarts.
* Every night when you lay down you say "Cover me up!" and before we leave the room you always want us to one more time.
* Some of your favorite phrases: "One more time.." "I promise!" "I go to Yayas" "I Cates Croley" "Andrew, Stop it!" "Daddy, hold me!"
"Moooommmmmmmmyyyyyyyyyy" "Gimme a kiss" "Listen to me!" "Not talk to me right now"
* You are a wonderful prayer. You are always very thankful in your prayers. I hope it lasts.
* You are always calling Grandmama and Granddaddy on your play phone. I love how much you think about them.
* I guess what I mostly want you to know is you are so loved. A love I cannot explain to you. A love that I know you feel.

Thank you to each of you who love her. Her life is blessed because so many people treat us with such love and kindness.

Here's to the terrible twos!!! :)