You're doing a really good job, Mom.

I was recently talking to one of my favorite friends about a blog I had read online. It was addressing wives before they were mothers. And it rang really true to me. It reminded me of my first love and commitment to my husband. And it encouraged me to refocus and think more intentionally about my marriage. So, I reposted it. I asked my friend if she had read it.. and she said I started.. but I stopped.

I asked her why. What she had to say hit my heart, because I could tell that it was something that she felt deeply. She said.."I cannot be given a guilt trip about another thing. I cannot have another thing I should be doing better put on my list. I am overwhelmed."

And while the article made me feel differently, I totally understood what she meant. Because I am overwhelmed too sometimes. Thankfully, being able to stay home this year, my list is miles shorter. My burden lighter. But still I am overwhelmed sometimes with that sense of inadequacy.

I raise my voice sometimes when my children are out of hand, but I know if I were doing it the right way, I would "redirect" them. I cook a frozen pizza for dinner at least twice a month, and I don't even bother to open a can of veggies to go along with it. I know if I were on the correct pinterest perfected cleaning routine, I would not have these dust balls in the corners of my house. I rarely get a date night to focus on my husband, and when I do I usually call or text whoever has our babies about twenty times. I let opportunities to do good walk right past me sometimes, and rarely do I appropriately express the gratitude I feel when someone does good for me. I fall short in every area.. everyday.

And I guess maybe I am so aware of my shortcomings because of those blogs reminding me that my children are only going to be little for a short time, and I best not miss a second or live with a lifetime of regret. Or the ones that tell me if I don't shape up and be the perfect housewife, mother, chef, maid, and wife I will have let down my husband and permanently damaged my children. Too many of us are trying to meet the standard we feel set by others. You know, our facebook friends who only post the smiling, clean, happy pictures of their children. And then we wonder why our children are usually messy and loud.. and would never take time to smile for a picture. Inadequate. We see the meals posted by super mom of her always healthy, colorful meals. We forget that her children like ours ate poptarts for breakfast. And for a minute, we feel.. Inadequate. We see the pictures of roses given to perfect wives by their perfect husbands. What we don't see is the horrible fight they had last night. And we feel.. Inadequate.

The list could go on and on. And I guess I say all of the above to say.. You are doing a good job, Mom. Your children don't care about the perfect meal, or a spotless house. They have what they need, and that is your love and attention. Your husband understands that when you go to bed, you're tired. And he is proud of you for handling all that you do, even if it is not always gracefully. Stop feeling inadequate. Stop feeling overwhelmed. Stop trying to meet an unreachable standard. You are special, and beautiful, and you are loved. And you're doing a really good job, Mom.

Dealing with Adoption

I read today a blog that discussed how to best communicate with adoptive parents. I agreed for the most part, but I wanted to create my own list.

First of all, adoptive parents aren't pieces of china. They don't have to be tiptoed around or feared. Their story is theirs to tell, and when they are ready to share it with you, I know that you will find it to be at times difficult and overwhelmingly beautiful.

1. Please whatever you do, do not assume the journey to adoption started with infertility. We chose to adopt Andrew not because we knew that we would not be able to have biological children, but because we had on our hearts that adoption was part of God's plan for our family. We were deeply (and still are!!) in love with Andrew and the process to how we gained a son was not important to us. And that's true for a lot of families, the process to gaining children (birth, adoption) isn't important to them, they are just interested in being a family. There have been times people have asked me.. "Would you have adopted knowing you would be able to have Cates?". As with most ignorance, I laugh it off. But the answer is YES! No doubts. Everytime. The adoption of Andrew was equally as precious as the birth of Cates. But I really think it is so sad that lost to these people is the beauty of adoption. Lost to them is the beauty of our little boy being ours by heart, and how that runs so much deeper than blood alone.

2. If you know someone adopted after a struggle with infertility. Just hush. Don't say.. "Oh you'll get pregnant now! It happened to my best friend's sister's preacher's wife." Adoption was not a trade for giving birth. It was a precious way for a family to begin. It should be met with the same excitement of a child being born. The sweet child being brought into the family was long prayed for, dreamed of, and planned for. Celebrate the child.

3. Please don't say "real child". All children are real. You can touch them. They breathe. They are real. If you need a definition of a child's journey into a family, please use the word "biological, birth, adoptive". All acceptable. But really is there a need to even use these words? Tiffany, Jessica, Andrew, and Cates are all mine in different ways. But they are all mine. Children don't need titles, they need love.

4. Everyone asks us what country we adopted Andrew from. Which is funny. He is brown, so he must be from Africa, right?? I know other adoptive parents who have been asked similar questions. Adoption happens right here in America. There are family adoptions. Adoptions from foster care. All sorts. Don't assume every adoption is international (although we support those!).

5. Love us! Support us! There are hard decisions that all adoptive parents will struggle with.. birth families, acceptance issues, even little things like at some of Andrew's doctors offices wanting me to show adoption papers to prove he is mine. We are blessed with such a strong support group. Amazing family and supportive friends, if you have a chance, be that for an adoptive family. I thank God every night for these people. I know someone will thank God for you too.

Those are the big ones that come to my mind. I hope that most adoptive parents are like us, in that, they are not easily offended. They are understanding of people's lack of understanding about different adoptive situations. They are thankful for their experiences, and happy to share them with you. That's my sermon for today :) Hope you don't mind me sharing!!

Paid Parenting. Wait, what??

Only twice do I remember anyone directly saying anything to me about receiving money to foster parent. Once a lady asked me if we received a thousand dollars a month for a child, I laughed out loud. And then respectfully told her.. No. We don't. The next time was a teenage boy who lived with us. He told us someone had told him we just kept him for money. I told him we spent more on his birthday weekend taking him to his first Alabama game, and spending time in Birmingham than we would receive for two months of his being with us. I think he felt better after. And then once, I overheard it. And the people talking were just so ignorant that I chose to forgive them.

And yes, it hurt my feelings, but more than that, it didn't make sense to me.

Who takes strangers into their home, cleans up after them, cooks for them, transports them, loves them, cares for them during sickness, mends hurt hearts, shares vacations, and holidays, works on speech impediments or self confidence issues with them, changes dirty diapers, attends school functions.. just totally parenting and loving someone.. for less than .50 cents an hour. No one does that. It wouldn't make sense.

But I think what really gets me is.. when two parents are divorced.. whoever has primary custody.. so let's just say the mom. She receives child support. She is often remarried and a part of a two income family, but on top of that each month, the children's father will send her child support. And I think we all agree that is the right thing. We don't believe that the mother is parenting her children in order to receive the monthly child support check, do we?

It's the same concept. The state has custody of the child, so they send us child support. It makes sense. I assure you that Tim is careful to make sure that we always use the money for the children. We do allowance, vacations, big Christmases, everything a mother receiving child support would do for her children. But we do it not because they are our own children, but because they need a family to be a part of. And we have a great desire to be that family.

It all goes back to... You can't understand what you don't love. If people don't love children in need enough to bring them into their home.. To go thru everything it means to have someone as a part of their family.. that technically isn't.. then some people have to come up with ulterior motives for people who do.

Like in everything in life, there are foster parents who have given the ministry, at times, a bad name. But that's life. And that can be found in any group of people. I don't see how anyone could be a foster parent, the right kind, and have any money leftover at all. And, I needed you to know that.