Every now and then someone who is considering adoption asks for my thoughts/advice/story. Adoption is one of the things I am most passionate about talking about, so I thought I would blog my thoughts in case someone else is thinking about adopting.
I wasn’t a little girl who knew I would grow up and adopt. I wasn’t a high school student who was struck with an interest in adoption. I wasn’t moved one day in college and determined to become an adoptive mom. I was twenty three years old teaching first grade, when my eyes were opened. I taught foster children, and for the first time, I was introduced to a world of children who were without parents. My heart went to them. I hurt for them. Even though they were living with families who loved them, and were providing well for them, they weren’t home. They spent their days wondering if their mom and dad were okay, wondering even where their mom and dad were. Tim wouldn’t mind me telling you that it was me who took him to that first foster parenting class, but once we were there, we were both in 100%.
I don’t think we acknowledged at the time what we were trading. We were trading life as newlyweds, for a life of substitute parenting. But even now as I look back, I know it was a good trade. We spent our marriage, even from the early part, being blessed by sweet children.
The first children we had we deeply loved. If you know us well, you probably remember their names. Those two sweet children changed me. They opened my eyes to loving children as my own. They opened my eyes to motherly love, from the mother’s side. I still think about those children. I still miss those children. And I still pray for them. They taught me lessons, and provided me with experiences that I will forever remember. They opened my heart to the possibility of adoption, and though that is not where God’s plan led us with them, I am thankful for the heart changing they did in me.
So that’s where my adoption experience began, far before Andrew. It began when my eyes were opened to the truth that God made me capable, willing, and longing to be an adoptive mother. The day I met Andrew, I felt like his mother. And as I look back, I was his mom all along. God’s plan was for me to be Andrew’s mom, and for Andrew to be our son. The journey to his name matching ours was long, and hard. The eighteen months we held our little boy, waiting to be told we could keep him were wonderful and terrifying. I had confidence that God would work in Andrew’s life, but the anxiety of finding out if I was HIS plan was overwhelming. I praise God for making me Andrew’s mom, there were probably more capable people God could have shared him with, but no one with a greater love for him or desire to be his mama.
My advice would have to begin with choosing who you share your desire to adopt with. Adoption is a roller coaster. It has high highs, and low lows. It is not for the faint of heart. You have to make sure the people you share your journey with are prepared for those really hard days, because ready or not, those days will come. There were times when our hearts were so heavy, that people did not have the right words. But by that time our skin was tough. We were okay with or without their support. And when you get to that place, tell the whole world what a wonderful journey you are beginning.
Next, I would have to say, don’t share every detail. Ultimately, the story you are a part of, is your child’s story. Other people shouldn’t know the intimate details of your child’s life (birth families, adoption circumstances, etc), before they are even old enough to understand them for themselves. Protect your child, and your family from the beginning.
Be confident. You are doing a wonderful thing. A God thing. You are telling the world that you acknowledge families aren’t made by blood, they are made by love. I often think of the really hard days during our adoption process with Andrew. And I am so thankful for them. I know that had I not made it through those really hard days, I wouldn’t be where I am today, I wouldn’t be Andrew’s mama. So on the hard days, don’t doubt your decision, don’t give up, know that better, brighter days are coming. Days that will lead you to your precious child.
If you have a transracial adoption, I have a few more things to say. First of all, most people will be really supportive! Most people love God and love His children regardless of their color. But there will be people who will surprise you, and disappoint you. People that you thought you knew, and strangers will let you down, maybe even your own family. Hold your head up, and let them go. That’s hard to say, but it’s what I have done, and it was the right thing for our family. We have had people of ALL colors question our family’s “fit”, and the truth is, there is no better fit than our family. Be familiar with your child’s heritage, make them familiar with it, and then.. just be really happy. Color doesn’t matter. It really doesn’t. You didn’t choose your color, and I didn’t choose mine. I’m not sure there is anything more beautiful than a colorful family!
And in all of this, before your adoption process begins, during, and after.. Pray. Pray for peace. Pray for confidence. Pray for love and acceptance. Pray for your sweet child, who you don’t even know yet God is so good. And you will be so blessed. I pray often for families with adoption on their hearts, so I am praying for you already
