You know Dasher and Dancer....

I've become a bad blogger. Maybe due to being busy, or maybe due to a lack of things to write about.. I have become slow in my posting. For myself, because I am using this as a way to keep up with my own life, I am going to try to do better.

Christmas is quickly approaching and I love this time of year. I feel a need for Christmas spirit this year, more so than I remember before. I am not sure why, but I am humming carols and shopping much earlier than usual. I am looking forward to doing even more "Christmasy" things as the time approaches.

The Croley House is beautifully chaotic :) Andrew is growing too fast! He can sit up almost on his own, and we know crawling is around the corner! Tiffany is enjoying being a junior. She did well on the ACT, and she is majorly in college mode. It is such an exciting time, and I am glad to be a part! Austin is definitely impressing us with his desire to stay on track, and I am passionately praying that he will continue to make positive strides. Tim is doing well. We have almost been married three years and we have a little anniversary tripped planned, I cannot wait.

My baby brother graduates from college next Friday. How exciting! I am not at all surprised, I don't remember college ever being a choice for us, but after so much work, it is such a rewarding time. Prayers he finds a job where he can be successful and make an impact. I pray that God will put him somewhere that he can be happy.

All for now :)

Angry Words.

I was raised in a house where opinions were not kept inside. I was raised in a house where disagreements did not mean hate. I was raised in a house where intense discussions were not avoided, but learned from.
But as an adult, I have got to really let it sink in that just because I THINK I am right about something, does not mean that it has to be said. And just because I feel strongly about something does not give me permission to react.
On the other hand, I do not think it is healthy to just bottle things up. I do not think it is healthy to be treated poorly in an effort to keep peace, I guess the bottomline is that no matter what.. I have to try to act in every situation like I think Jesus would. I know that means I can get mad sometimes, because he turned tables. But I also know that when something that will not benefit anyone is on my heart, that is where it needs to stay on my heart.

I have also really allowed myself to become super vulnerable as far as people's remarks about our foster parenting. It just really bothers me when people say "I could just never do it..." I know truthfully that I hear that from someone almost daily. And what I hear when people say that is.. "You cold hearted heifer, I am so much more loving than you because you can see children come and go and not be effected.. but me.. it would bother me." If you can't do it, don't. I don't do it for fun, it is a heartbreaking way to live to be honest. To wait daily to see if these children that you have invested your whole heart in are going to have to leave you.. but.. its important, its needed, and what if everyone just didnt do it because they might get their feelings hurt in the end? I choose to open my house to children without there own. In doing that, I will love them dearly, and I will lose them almost always in the end. But it's not about me. And I think if I could apply that to every aspect of life, if we all could, if we could all just see that it isnt about us.. what a happier, more loving place we would live.

I have let angry words exist lately, I will not anymore. If you heard them, I am sorry. But please watch me change. And pray for me to continually change, all I want to do is be in heaven forever with the people I love :)

Andrew.. again :)

We have had Andrew since he was two days old. He turned 11 weeks today :)
It is amazing to watch him grow. Maybe more amazing to me.. because I did not
have nine weeks to read about everything that would happen once he arrived..
I went back to work when he was three weeks old.. so Tim and I pretty much did not sleep for about a month. It was so hard and when I look back I wonder how we did it..
I am a big believer in auto pilot..and I am pretty sure that's what we were on. We are blessed that my Aunt Tina keeps Andrew.. and she had him on such a good schedule by about 8 weeks old! He has slept right through the night for about 3 weeks now. So blessed. He smiles at us all the time, and I am totally in love. I think about him leaving pretty regularly. I am praying daily that God will let the best thing for his life to work out, and I would love for that to be being adopted by Tim and I. But for now.. he is not available for adoption. Pray for Andrew's future. Please.
Aunt Tina and her children are sacrificing time, effort, and love to keep Andrew everyday for around nine hours. God has blessed my life with the greatest support, I am thankful and aware daily of my blessings. My mom a keeps Andrew overnight for me, and that is such a help. Getting to sleep and truly rest without going to check on him 100 times a night!! My dad is always helping us.. in 100 different ways..and Grandmama keeps him every other Friday and gave him his very first gift :)

Sometimes people look at us funny, sometimes we see them talking about us, I guess they wonder why we have Andrew.. and how he belongs to us. People have hurt my feelings, and made me want to move tables while out to eat.. but so many people have encouraged us. Walked up to us out of nowhere to understand our story and share support. The good always out weighs the bad in the end. I am blessed to know sweet Andrew, God's plan is always so much greater than mine. Sometimes realizing that is a kick in the pants, but it is always true.

Loss.

I am heartbroken. Heartbroken. Mr. Ralph died today. It is overwhelming for me, as he has been a long time family friend.. but mostly because I just keep thinking about his wife and daughter.

My daddy is my hero. He is the most selfless, kind, funny man that I have ever known. I am better because I am part of him, and because he is a part of my daily life. To think about people who don't have that.. who lose that.. it hurts me so much.

When we lose people, we often cling. We cling to the last time we saw them, we cling to what we last said, we cling to our fondest memory. Bottomline is.. we cling. We don't want them to be gone, we want to remember. I will remember Mr. Ralph as a jolly, giving man with a heart like no other. I will remember him as blessed with a wife and daughter who admired him, and thousands of people whose life he touched. I will cling to his friendship with my daddy, his Relay for Life "MCing", for his kind words about our foster parenting, and for his love for God.

Pray for his sweet family and friends, that they will be blessed with healing.

"Welcome to the real world, she said to me, condesendingly."

I still think a crash course in adulthood is needed. I mean we take a class in everything in the world, except how to handle real life situations. What a waste. But I guess everyone's version of adulthood is different.. that's why we just have to figure it out for ourselves.

I have 18 sweet children this year, and I am really enjoying them. They are bright, and I see us accomplishing so much this year. I do feel very blessed to love my job, I think it is a rare and wonderful blessing. I go home tired, and sometimes overwhelmed, and I definitely earn my paycheck.. but at the end of the day.. I did something. I helped someone. Grandmom has already started coming and helping with my reading groups. What a relief! She has a way with the children, and they learn so much from her. She is so needed in my life and a day does not pass that I do not thank God for her.

Andrew is growing like a weed! He is six weeks old now, and finally starting to let us sleep a little bit :) Please pray it will only get better! Please pray for his future, as I ask you to do for all of our children. I am praying for more faith, and for the ability to trust God's plan no matter what happens. Hard place of comfort to find, but I am looking for it. Aunt Tina has been a huge blessing (and her babies!) keeping him while I work. I know he is safe and happy. And he will learn so much while he is there. It is a sacrifice for her I am sure, but it is not one that goes unappreciated. My family is my greatest earthly strength and encouragement. I am blessed beyond measure.

Tiffany is also doing great at school and at her job. I am so proud of her, and the progress I see her making right in front of me. I look forward to seeing her into adulthood. I know she will excel.

My new favorite quote.. I will let you know who said it as soon as I find out..

"My hope is that the love of power will be replaced by the power of love".. apply it how you see fit :)

Every new beginning comes from some other beginnings end.. :)

School starts tomorrow. Amazing. Summer just flies by. I am happy for summer, and happy to return to work. I love my job.

Summer was interesting. We had a big summer get together with Tim's side of the family. We got a new diving board, which made the pool much more fun! We spent a week at the lake, and Andrew joined our world :)

Andrew spent his first day with my aunt today. She will be keeping him while I go to work. I cried a touch when I left him, because I had never been away from him but for about two hours (and that was only twice!!). Continue to pray for his future. I have such faith that God will take care of him. Jesus loved little children.

My county made AYP!! That is a big deal in the education realm, and it just reinforces the efforts that are going on by sooo many people. I am proud of our system, my school, and our students. I just pray it will continue in years to come, although I know if No Child Left Behind is not reformed, it will become impossible to meet the standards. I would love for the government to be a little realistic in their big plans :)

Please pray for me and my sweet family any chance you get :)

Andrew.

DHR called Monday and asked if we could go to the hospital on Tuesday to pickup a newborn baby. How scary. We accepted.

He is beautiful. And sweet. And innocent. And he keeps me up all night, I worry about him constantly.. his sleeping, crying, pooping, everything. But he is such a blessing, and I hope you will join me in praying for his future. I think about a little boy.. born into such difficult circumstances.. and I feel so overwhelmed. And then I remember God's promise to take care of us, I think about Jesus's great love for children. Just please pray.. pray that decisions will be made that will benefit Andrew and provide him with the best life possible.

And pray that I trust God more. Pray that I trust His plan more. Just pray.

I also wouldn't mind you praying that Andrew starts sleeping for a longer hours at night when work begins in two weeks, and that he won't get colic!

Love to all :)

14.47

Tim and I agreed that anytime DHR called, we would do our best to help. We agreed that we would not let any "selfish" reason keep us from helping children who needed us. Of course if there was a child who would not work well with our current children, we would have to put our current children first and let someone else help the new child.

DHR called late one thursday night and asked us if we could take two babies. Just for one night. If we could take them for one night, they would work it out from there. So at 1 AM Tim and I went to the hospital to meet these babies who needed us. They were tired and dirty and beautiful. We were at the hospital with them until 4am. When we got home the smallest baby cried all night. Tim went to work the next day on no sleep, and I went through my day the same way. We didnt mind, but we were so tired. Neither of the children came with diapers or clothes, so I got the rest of Gracie Mae's clothes that were here for the little girl, and Lauren brought some of Jack's clothes and diapers for the little boy. The next day they found a foster home where those babies would be a perfect fit, so I took them to DHR to go home with this kind lady.

It was pretty much about 18 hours of exhaustion. We did it because we want to live more like Jesus did. We want to put others first, and ourselves last. And truth be told, there are not many foster parents who will go to the ER at 1AM just to keep babies for one night, so we knew we were needed.

About three weeks later we recieved a check from DHR for 14.47. It made me want to laugh. People who go through all of that do not do it for fourteen dollars, they do it out of love.

Two people have told me lately that they have looked into foster parenting after learning about our efforts, neither of them have decided to do it just yet.. but I am glad to know that other people have it on their hearts.

barefeet on the dashboard...

I have not blogged in forever. Summer has been busy, and I guess I just have not made time. I am making time tonight.

I was happy to see summer arrive this year, and like they all do.. it is flying by. We have had several days of training, and I am already feeling like where has summer gone? :) The youth group is so busy, and Tim is putting forth so much effort. Our attendance has been really good, and I can see God at work. He has answered many prayers for us, and I know He is faithful to see the Fort D Youth Group do amazing things.

My family is good. Daddy has had a couple of crazy medical issues.. I personally call him a medical mystery.. but he is good :) Mom started her new job, and seems very happy. God really heard her prayers. Bert interns in the fall. He makes me proud. Tim is continuing to be my house over-achiever keeping the pool clean, yard kept up, and pulling his share of the kid responsibility for sure. Tiffany has her first job, and she loves it. We continue to adjust to one another, and I love her very much. Chris has progressed so much, he blows everyone out of the water. His speech, and behavior are amazing and I am proud that God let me have a role in his life. He will go home sooner than later probably, and I will miss him. And pray for us, loss is hard regardless of the situation. I tell Tim all the time though that I know God has this big plan for us. Despite discouragements, dispite people's negative attitudes, despite long days and short nights, there is nothing in this world I would trade for good I know I have done and has been done for me through being these children's "middle mom".

My faith continues to be strengthened, and I become more in love daily with the life that God has blessed me with.

Love to you all :)

First Awards to First Cars

I am keeping this blog at least partially as journal to keep track of my life.
For that reason, I want to note that last Friday I was chosen as teacher of the year at my school. It isn't a big school in a big city. Actually, the opposite.. it is a little school in a small town. But there is nowhere else I had rather be. When they listed my accomplishments and called my name to the stage.. I cried. Yep, on the stage, I cried. It was my "Aha" moment as they say on tv. You know that moment when everything you have worked so hard on, when the late nights and early mornings, when the worry and love and everything all kind of hit you.. and you see that it all really mattered. That was my moment. I think for the rest of my life I will remember it.


Also, yesterday.. I spent eight hours searching for Tiff a car I could afford, and she would be proud of. I drove cars with broken windows, and no AC. I drove cars that smoked when I parked them. I went to Tallassee, Montgomery, you name it.. And I got down about ever finding her a car! Then at 830 last night we met a sweet lady in Greenville and she sold us the most perfect car.. a black maxima with leather seats and great cd player, it has a sunroof and seems to be very mechanically sound. God provides. Everytime. God provides.

Praise God it is summertime :)

Is it summer yet?!

The last couple of weeks of school are almost overwhelming.. there is so much to do!
Anyway.. I just wanted to take a minute to say..

I am really, majorly, especially blessed.

"Be the Change You Wan to See.."

Teaching six year olds when there are only seventeen days left until summer is no easy task. We are taking it one day at a time, but this week two parents have come into my chaos to tell me they know what a "hard job" I have. Haha. Most people don't think of teaching first grade as difficult, come visit me April 1- May 21 and let me change your mind :) I love my job. I think everyone who knows me, knows that. I love teaching, I love my babies, I love my school, my coworkers, my boss.. My life is better because of my job, and I hope that is shown in my interactions.


Chris turns six today. He is really embracing the idea of being a "big boy", which is needed. I spent Jacob and Grace's birthdays with them, and now one with Chris. I can't help but think about their mothers on their birthdays. The nine months she carried them, her hopes for them, and for herself. And how sure I am that things have turned out nothing like what she had hoped. It makes me sad. It also helps me remember that these are not my children, I am just filling in a gap until those mothers can get those dreams they have back on track. There is a book about being a foster mom called "The Middle Mom". It has been suggested to me, but I have not read it yet. Anyway, that is what I feel like. The mom in the middle. I wash them, and feed them, and read to them, and love them. But I did not bring them into the world, they do not carry my name, and ultimately my home is not where they want to be. Not that they are not happy while here, it's just Jacob and Chris both held/hold tightly to the idea of going home. Being with their moms. And I cannot wish any less for them.

I'll stop here for today.

From A to Z...

I don't know what to write about today. Just that I would like to write. Maybe that will take me somewhere.

It has been three months since Jacob and Grace left. It doesn't seem that way. Tim and I find ourselves all the time mentioning them.. missing them.. and continuing to love them. Pray for them if you have a minute, I know that could make all the difference in their sweet little lives.

Tiffany has been here ten weeks now. I promise it feels like longer. I guess you get into the groove and things start to feel like they have always been how they are now.. does that make sense?

Lately, I find myself wanting to put growing up on hold. I am used to the responsibility, I even like the responsibility. It is the learning how to
make it in the world of other, more experienced adults that I find difficult.
It is like one day we are supposed to wake up and be able to fully function and decision make, and live like old pros.. when the truth is.. this whole grown up thing is kind of make it up as we go.. you know? Maybe no one feels like I do. .who knows but it is a learning experience every day for me.

This weekend is my high/college bff and roommate's first bridal shower at my house :) I am looking forward to it and I am overwhelmed by all I have left to do. I am sure it will all come together and go well. I have hosted several get togethers at our new house, and I really do like being "hospitable". I know my children will always be welcomed to have people over, I like a fully happy house :)

Random though this was, I enjoyed writing it.

Have a happy day :)

It's not Thanksgiving.. but a Thankful List :)

I am thankful for:

Parents who drive my children to school each day.
A Grandmother who comes and calmly deals with my classroom of chaos twice a week :)
A husband with the ability to make the best sweet tea in the world.
My J-O-B.
Summer beginning in 31 sweet days.
My love.. reality television.. plus the Good Wife :)
Teenagers who are driven by a desire to please God.
Springtime!!
the fact that I was a girl scout.
who I am becoming.

That's all for now..

First Grade.

My class. I have not told you much about my class. Maybe because I am with them all day everyday and I just assume the rest of the world is as familiar with them as I am. :)

I love my school. I mean I really love my school. I love my principal(s), I love my coworkers, I love the children. I do not dread work like alot of people do, I look forward to it. Now, I could of course use an extra 30 minutes in bed like the rest of the world, but I like going to work.

I work in a place where I am needed. In life, I think that is a feeling that we all long to have. To be needed. Maybe by our own spouses or children, maybe by our employer, maybe by organizations we give our resources to.. in whatever way, we all want to be needed.

I am needed everyday by seventeen six (or newly seven!) year olds. Now, I know that there are 1,000 people who could do my job as well as I do everyday, but I am not sure they could love my children like I do. I have to fuss, sometimes alot. I have to repremand, and I have to punish. And those are not my favorite parts of my job, but they are neccessary. My favorite parts.. when it finally clicks how to turn all the sounds they know into words. When someone selflessly shares.. maybe a crayon or a snack. When I see my rules followed and respected, not because they are my rules, but because in life.. it is important to respect authority. I love how most teachers get Christmas or Valentines day gifts (and I do get one or two each year), but my gifts usually come after the holiday passes. Do you know what they bring me? The things that people gave them. A half-dead flower, or a stuffed animal. Not because they dont want those things, but because more than they want it themselves.. they want to be able to give me something. I know I must have one of the most honest, beautiful, rewarding jobs ever.

We talk all the time about believing in God's plan for our lives. Like it is something in the future that is coming.. I know that I am right in the middle of God's plan for me. I can see it in my marriage, my career, Chris, Tiffany, Jacob, and Grace. I am living God's plan for my little life, and it is wonderful :)

Happy Birthday Tim :)

I remember the first birthday of Tim's that we celebrated together like it was yesterday. He was turning 21, and we had been dating about six months. I saved my money for three months to buy him the toolbox I knew he wanted. My dad told him he had to borrow his truck to move some stuff, took it and had the toolbox put on for me. I took Tim to dinner in my car, and at dinner I gave him a shirt. He acted so appreciative, and I couldn't wait to show him his surprise! After dinner, I took him to pick up his truck from my dad's office and there it was.. his shiny new toolbox :) He was so proud. And I was so happy.

It is six years later now. We will celebrate his birthday tonight at home with my parents, Chris, and Tiff. It makes me teary to think about all that has changed in these six years. Good and bad. I first think about the loss of his grandparents, and how heartbreaking that was.. and still is. I think about the addition of the Thompson clan to the Croley clan. I think about him proposing to me, and promising to love me forever. I think about the pride I felt as he graduated from college, and then as he received his Master's degree. I think about Monday Night Moe's. And what good care he took of me and Heather in college. And how I miss hearing Whitney calling him "Timothy McVay!". I think about his first grown up after college job interview, and how special he made me feel when we found out I was going to have my very own first grade class. I think about Justin and Elisha and what good friends they have been to Tim, and how I know they are there for each other forever. I think about how proud my daddy is that I married Tim, and how he loves Tim like he is his own. I know six years ago we never would have envisioned our own pretty beautiful white house up on a hill down a peaceful dirt road :) I think about his commitment to God, and the good name he has earned himself. I think about how blessed I am to be his, and that he is mine. There is truly is not a day that goes by that I do not think about how blessed I am.

All that to say, Happy Birthday to Tim :)

I wish I could blog more. It is the most emotionally productive thing you can do for yourself I believe.

I deleted my last post about my bad day. I deleted it because I went to those people, and resolved those problems. I hold no hard feelings. I really don't. There is a major beauty in forgiveness. It relieves you of a burden, carrying around hurt is hard. I am glad I was able to let that one go.

People don't understand what they don't love. That is kind of the bottomline of it all. Some people do not understand why we have chosen to make the emotional, financial, and time sacrifice to help strangers. And I get that. I understand people's need to figure out what is in it for me. Because if you don't love children, if you don't love people in need, then you wouldn't maybe even couldn't understand why Tim and I are on this mission.


Thank you for the comments of encouragement following my bad day blog. I am blessed with true friends and family :)

Love to you all.

Life Changes.

I read in someone's blog today, how life changes can make a hypocrite out of you.

And man, did it hit home.

Before you are married, you are sure that you will never be like couple so and so for whatever reason.. and then.. you are.

Before children, you are sure that you will never be the disruptive table at a restaurant, the pew at church that gets more attention than the preacher, and certainly not the family that is running 9,000 miles an hour. And then one day...

I want you to know all you pre-marriage, pre-children friends.. believe it if you want to.. but it will happen to you as well. One day you will wake up and realize that life brought you things you were sure it wouldn't, and that you are in way less control than you had hoped.

And I hope like me.. you will see that the way things are is pretty wonderful.. :)

Life update: Having a 16 year old, and a 5 year old is an experience :) I spend half my time trying to teach the importance of honor roll, youth group, and family. And the rest trying to teach to tie shoes, learning the alphabet, and wiping a runny nose. It is a rare, wonderful time. I really am trying to enjoy it while it lasts. I know that my family is ever-changing, and I try to never get too comfortable with how things are.. but also try to appreciate where we are and what we have.

In our class at church we just finished up this wonderful series on marriage. It made me realize even more my love and respect for Tim. And it talked about how important it is that your marriage have a "mission". I could not agree more. Tim and I have made children (youth group, and foster parenting) our mission. It is rewarding and wonderful and tiring and amazing. And I know that our marriage is stronger because we have both sold out to making our marriage a "Mission" for God. I think it is important that everyone have a mission.. maybe visiting/calling/caring about old people, maybe its prision minisitry, maybe it's being a support system for others who need help (my aunt tina, my parents, and my grandparents help me so much with my children..in supporting me I feel like they are a part of our efforts as foster parents), maybe it is teaching bible class, maybe it is knocking doors, maybe it is going to foreign places, holding or attending regular bible studies, whatever it is.. I think it is so important to have something you work on with your spouse for God. It brings you closer together, but also it makes you so much more dependant on God, and His plan for you, and fulfilling His will in your lives.

I am off to enjoy a week of rest. I am so thankful for Spring Break! :)

Grown Up Accomplishments.

Did I tell you I was Teacher of the Quarter for my whole county? Such a major honor. Tim and I went to the board meeting after being told I was going to be recognized for my efforts in Parental Involvement, but my principal was fooling me.. I was there to be named Teacher of the Quarter. The superintendent knew who I was, said kind things about me, and gave me a plaque. It was all really quite an honor.

Pats on the back can take you a long way some days..

Just wanted to share! :)

Blog Stealer.

I wish I could blog more often. It is a nice way to put out there what you think, how you feel. Something about saying things, makes them easier to deal with. I think it is healthy this blogging thing. I recommend it to my non-blogging friends :)

My topics are sometimes inspired by other people's blogs. Today is one of those days. I want to tell you about some people who have changed my world. I love them, and if you knew them you would too.

Let's start with Mom and Dad. Growing up I didn't see the sacrifices they were making for me. Looking back now, I am so grateful. Grateful that they worked so hard to send us to Fort Dale. Grateful that they taught me to grow up and be a respectable person. Growing up my mom would always say.. "It is my job to make sure that you grow up to be a respectful, responsible person." She set that expectation. And I have worked most of my life to be just that. My mom taught me how to manage family and work. She was always a great balancer. Being a stay-at home mom is awesome. I am happy for ALL of those who are. But.. I just don't think as longa s I am blessed with a job I could ever be. I enjoy activity. I enjoy being busy. I never felt slighted that my mom worked, the opposite really. I always felt really proud of her. Still to this day, I am really proud of her.. I do hope she decides to be a stay-at home Gradma though! :) She made me who I am today. I am thankful that I am her daughter. My dad is the most selfless man that I have ever known. Rarely is it about him, rarely does he ask for anything. But he is constantly seeing what he can do for us. How he can help us. How he can make our lives simpler, and happier. I cannot tell you how often I think about him, how often I am thankful for him. I cannot tell you how much he brings to my life through advice, love, and dedication to me.. and my growing, changing family :)

My grandparents are also amazing people. They have filled our family with timeless traditons, memories, and love. They have created a family that is loyal and loving. They have worked hard their entire lives, not for themselves but to take care of their children.. and later to be able to share with their grandchildren. They are the most God-honoring people that I know. I strive to have the discipline, and faithfulness to God that they exhibit. They have helped teach me to be giving and trusting. I am better for knowing them. I pray that God will continue to take care of them, and bless them.

Tim! I started dating Tim almost seven years ago. Can you believe that? Seven years. And Tim was a patient man. We took things sooo slowly.. my friends were planning their weddings six months in.. and we had barely held hands! :) We dated almost five years before we got married, because he understood how important it was to me to have my college degree first. And he continues to show his patience as he works with me as a foster parent. He loves me first, but there is no doubt in my mind that he loves me more than anything else on this earth. He takes care of me. He loves me. He forgives me. He counts on me, and has never let me down. I stop to think how blessed I am to have him as my husband, and feel overwhelmed sometimes. God really did help me find just the right man :)

These are just the beginning of my list.. more to come later!

And thanks Leigh for the idea.. I enjoyed stealing it! :)

..rambling

For a long time, I admittedly was a negative finder. Probably due to my own insecurities, I could find the negative in people.. in situations.. in areas of my life that I didn't feel totally confident about... or maybe felt jealous of. Now I am not saying I was "Debbie Downer" many of these negative findings I didn't share with anyone or if I did share.. it was only with close friends and family. But now.. I look back and feel sorry for myself. Feel sorry that I was so negative, that I didn't give people and things and situations a chance to be beneficial, I just turned my nose up and wrote things off.

I can tell you this deep dark secret now, because I am somewhat reformed. Now, I do still fuss. I do still get my feathers ruffled. But I find myself taking many more opportunities to see the good. I find myself looking past my own shortcomings to take joy in the success of others. And I, my friends, think this is called maturity. I think that unselfishly wanting good for others is not a quality we are born with. I think that it takes a conscious effort on our parts.. to stop.. look past ourselves, and look out for others.


Moving along.. :) Tonight is Chris and Jacob's last basketball game. I hope Jacob is able to go. Tim and my dad did a wonderful job coaching them. I think daily about how blessed I am to have two such amazingly selfless men around :)

My heart continues to heal as we adjust to life without Gracie Mae and Jacob. Aunt Tina has offered so many comforting words.. the day they left.. she told me that it was not the end.. and I think about that all the time and find such peace. She also reminded me of how God is taking care of them, and how he loves them even more than I do. And I know He will take care of them. God has a plan for us and them, and I feel like our paths will cross again. :)

This weekend is Mardi Gras! I am so excited! My family, mama and daddy, Bert and a friend! We just really hang out, eat, catch beads, I look forward to it so much every year!

I hope Valentine's Day won't be a total wash since it is on a Sunday.. guess we will see :)

Love.

I saw where someone blogged about all the things they currently love.. in honor of the month of LOVE!

My love list goes something like this.. :)

Sunday naps
sweet tea
bravo (the channel)
being really loved by my husband
good grades on test by my students
walking at the Y
having top of the line parents
my church family
often times my sanity.. Lauren Locklear.
the way being a proud "parent" feels
Clean House Fridays thanks to Ms. Becky
being part of a really close extended family
Fort Dale Softball!
having a Christian Bossman
being able to look forward to our SPRING BREAK CRUISE!
for the first time in a long time.. feeling really confident about my decisions!

..more to come I am sure :)

Great Risks.

I have never heard a sermon before and thought.. this sermon, this day, was meant for me. I felt that way Sunday. And when church was over.. all the people I love and who knew my situation said.. this sermon, this day, was meant for you.

Take Great Risks. Don't sit still. Don't be content with comfortable. Don't pass up opportunities because you don't want to be inconvienced. Don't make decisions based on fear, make them based on faith.

When Grace and Jacob left, heartbroken is an understatement. And I told DHR, and I told everyone else.. we were done taking babies for awhile. My heart needed to recover. And I meant that.. and then.. along came Tiffany. When DHR called and asked us about a teenager.. we were both (tim and I) very unsure. I can't spell things and a teenager not understand them (like the kids), I can't go to bed at 8 (which I enjoy doing), I can't..., I can't.. I can't... Isn't it terrible that I wasn't thinking about all the good I could do.. isn't it terrible that I was going to let late nights, and secrets keep me from doing what God has put on my heart.. helping children. Well Tiffany.. came. And we love her already. She is smart, and kind. She is helpful and thoughtful. Already, she is such a huge asset to our family.

..and maybe God sent Grace and Jake home to make room for Tiffany.. who knows. All I am sure of is there is a plan so much bigger than my mind can grasp.. there are so many wonderful things in store for us.

And just to give you something to laugh about.. I am now a parent to a high schooler at my Alma Mater! Talk about giving people something to talk about... :)

Jesus Loves Me, This I Know.

I do alot wrong. I say the wrong things. Sometimes I think the wrong things. Sometimes I act the wrong ways. I say all that, because now.. I would like to tell you about something I did right.

I have always known there was more to life than growing up, getting a job, going to church, and helping out here and there. To be acceptable to God, I have always felt like there had to be real sacrifice involved. I've always known you had to be out of your comfort zone. You had to be willing not to just give up your dollars, but your heart. Along with the knowledge of a need for self sacrifice, God gave me a love of children. and not just a love of children, but a love of children in need. Children who do not live behind white picket fences, children who are not raised by soccer moms, children who do not always have the luxury of running water and electricity. That is where God put my heart.

Most of you know I work in a low income school. I live in a low income town. There are so many opportunities to help here that very seldom does my mind drift to any other "mission field". I buy uniforms for my school children, and shoes. I could not tell you how many coats I have bought from Walmart. I talk Tim into paying for Pizza Parties. Grandmama comes to help me teach them to read, mama helps find sponsors, and judge art contests. Daddy volunteers. I try to pull my world into theirs.. maybe so we can all understand we are not so different. I go to their houses, and meet their parents. I try to be a part of their lives. And I know that all of those things do so much more for me, than they could ever do for them.

But Tim and I after alot of prayer decided that it didn't have to stop there. We could still do more. We are young, we are employed, we are stable. We felt like those were good characteristics for foster and potential adoptive parents. We thought that we could take children who needed love, stability, a home and for as long as they needed us.. we could be their safe place. We started foster parent classes in March, we finished them on June 9th. On June 12th, for the first time.. we were foster parents.

Grace was only 18 months old, and that terrified Tim. He told me he had no idea what to do with a baby. But I wish you could have seen him love her. He could calm her at bed time, he could make her laugh with they played, she loved for him to sing the Alabama fight song to her. They had such a special relationship. And I know he will always love Miss Gracie Mae.
I too was a little scared. She couldn't tell me what hurt, she couldn't tell me what she needed.. it was a learning process. And I loved every minute of it. I loved her wanting me to hold her, I loved rocking her before bed, I loved chasing her (literally sometimes) around church. I loved Grace with a love that I had never known before. I didn't mind her 2am crying, I loved teaching her new things. Grace will be in my heart for the rest of my life. I pray that we are allowed to continue a relationship with her. Truly it's hard to imagine life without her.

Jacob was three when he came.. we quickly celebrated his fourth birthday party. From the beginning he was very stubborn (which I happen to think can be a wonderful life skill). We spent tons of time riding bikes, watching football, swimming, going to Jay and Sha Sha's (g and j's favorite thing to do!) Jacob loves school and learning. Tim and I laughed all the time with Jacob, and I will always remember how dedicated he is to taking good care of Grace. Oh, and his prayers.. he prays the most beautiful prayers.

If you knew Grace and Jacob while they were with us, I count you lucky. They are two of the most precious people I have ever known. I thank you for being a part of their lives.

I ask everyone to pray for them every single chance you get. That they will be happy and well taken care of.. that when they grow up they will know Jesus. I ask you to pray that we will be allowed to continue a relationship with them. I ask you to pray for everyone who misses them to find peace.

No more sad entries. I guess I just needed closure. Love to you all.

My heart.

There will come a time that i can write to you about Grace and Jacob. I can tell you how they are beautiful and special. And how they changed my life forever. I will be able to share wtih you the heartbreak I feel today as I miss them.. I will be able to thank everyone who touched their lives. Because I want you to know about them, I want you to know how amazing they are.. but today.. I just want you to know they went home. They are with their parents. And selfishly, I miss them. But because I love them, I am glad. No one should grow up wondering why they aren't with their parents. I ask, maybe I even beg, for your prayers for them.. and for us. I ask you to pray that they will be well taken care of.. and happy. And ask that you will mend our broken hearts. Love to you all.

--Linds

Too blessed to be stressed :)

Do you ever get carried away in thinking about all of the wrong choices you've made? Do you focus on the mistakes, and worry over things that you cannot change? I find myself doing that alot. Wishing I could go back, wishing I could undo, wishing I had known then.. what I know now. And sometimes I catch myself "making bad choices" (as I tell the children).. and to just be plain honest.. it makes me feel a little hopeless. Sunday "the preacher" as I often call him to his daughter.. preached about focusing on positives. And that is what I have to do. I cannot go back. I cannot undo. I cannot change things that have been done. All I can do now is do better. And that is what I need to focus on, doing better. And after some realizations that is what I plan to do.

I never wanted to leave home. I never wanted to be removed from my hometown. I always knew I would grow up and go to college, and then I always knew I would come back. It isn't because I am scared of the big bad world.. it's because I am happy at home. I am happy being close to my mom and grandmom (and dadddy and granddaddy of course!). I am happy attending the church I grew up in, I am happy having one stop light, and no walmart. But there are sacrifices to coming home, there is no starting over. You are now who you always were to most everyone. That is not always bad, but it is a fact. There is not the opportunity to go out there and meet a ton of new people, and sometimes I guess it can lack adventure. Still, I love home. I did find it hard upon returning the lack of friends my age. My youth group for the most part grew up and moved away. High school friends did the same.. so I guess in some sense of the word.. at times.. I am a little lonely.

Last night though, I realized it is not about quantity. It is about quality. I had a wonderful dinner with my two best friends, Melissa and Lauren.

Melissa has been my best friend since I guess I was fifteen. She is loud, and blount, and you pretty much know where you stand with her at all times. She is honest, and sensitive, and one of the most consistent people in my life. We don't talk every day, because we don't have to. But we do have dinner every now and then.. and texting keeps us connected. She makes me laugh, and in life.. that is pretty priceless. I would be there for her no matter what, and how wonderful is it to know she is always there for me.

Lauren is newer. We started to be friends at the beginning of the summer. She was pretty much automatically one of my biggest supporters as far as being a foster parent, and I guess both"having kids" is where our friendship started. But now.. it's definitely much more. I call her with happy news and sad news. And she is always very understanding. And I totally trust her.. although when revealing a secret I do still feel the need to put the disclaimer: "Don't tell the preacher..." (her dad). :) We are kind of unlikely friends.. but I am glad we are. Like Melissa she is freaking hillarious, and she makes my life happier.

So I have decided that I have an amazing family, a job I love, a great church family, and at least two of the best friends in the world. Pretty blessed, huh? :)

Whirlwind.

I have not blogged in so long. I have been meaning to for weeks.. and it just hasn't happened.

Thanksgiving was great. We went to grandmom's like every year.. and it was great for everyone to get together. Jacob, Grace, and Chris all really enjoy all my aunts and uncles, my grandparents, and especially my parents.. so they love any time that we all get together.

Tim's whole family came to our house the Saturday after Thanksgiving.. I think we had 16 people in our house one night! So special. Any time that Tim can be with his family is so special for him, and I am so glad they they could all come and be a part. I am hoping to have them all back this summer for the fourth of July! I hope we have lots of get togethers with the pool this summer!

Christmas was wonderful! My children at school had a great Christmas party! We had pizza, cake, ice cream, and lots of music and gifts! I love Christmas time and it is so much more special when children are involved for sure. Grace, Jacob, and Chris had a wonderful Christmas! They loved caroling, visiting Santa with Anna and William, decorating cookies, and of course opening presents! I will forever cherish the christmas we had this year, I feel blessed to have gotten to be a part of the babies Christmas this year.

We celebrated our second anniversary and got to go away thanks to Tim's parents keeping the babies for the weekend! We had a wonderful time, and were so thankful to them!

When the children will go home, seems to change regularly. We don't know just when, but we do know it is sooner than later. It breaks my heart, Tim and I have cried about it so many times.. but at the end of the day we know we did good.. and we know that good has been done for us.

We learned about love.. a special kind of love. We learned about patience (for sure!!). We learned about self-sacrifice.. not only in taking care of them.. but in taking care of them when we knew they were not ours.. and would not be ours. We took care of them knowing that they would be gone as quickly as they came, and that we would most likely be forgotten. I would not say that selflessness is my strong suit, I have always liked things my way.. so this has taught me so much. I trust God to take care of them forever, and to my church family.. when you fast Wednesday.. please pray that they have happy lives. I want them to grow up to know Jesus, and I want them to be safe and happy.

I cannot help but reflect on 2009.. what a rollercoaster! We went from renting to owning! We went from just us to plus three babies! I made new friendships that I am so thankful for, my family stayed healthy..so many positive things. It was a year of changes, great changes. I can only hope 2010 will be as wonderful for us as 2009 was!

I have a ton more to say.. soon maybe :)