Worrier.

I used to have a boss who would say.. "If you are worrying you aren't trusting, and if you are trusting you aren't worrying". He told me this often because I have always identified myself as a worrier. I use it as an excuse to not totally trust God, I use it as an excuse to live always concerned about something totally out of my control. And honestly, it's a tough way to live.

Something happened months ago in my life. Something that hurt my feelings and I guess my pride too. I have been pretty regularly concerned about it for most of this year. I have talked to people closest to me about it until they are tired of hearing about it. I have let myself be consumed by something that most people have forgotten. Does that make any sense? I know it doesn't.

Anyway, in the last couple of weeks realizing that I had burned out all the people I consider my "listening ears" on the subject, I started really talking to God about it. When worry would creep up, I would stop my thoughts and remind myself to allow God to work it out. And honestly, I have been at such peace for days about it. Why didn't I go to God first? Why did I talk to everyone else about it before I talked to God? I have no idea. And it makes no sense. But I have learned my lesson.

If you are worrying you aren't trusting, and if you are trusting you aren't worrying.

The Tragedy of Foster Care

I teach classes intended to prepare individuals to be foster parents. It is something that you definitely learn by doing.. but I do what I can to open their eyes and prepare their hearts. We talk about everything they should strive to be as foster parents. We talk about different situations they might encounter. We talk about who to call and how to handle the unexpected situations you can find yourself in while on the foster care journey. It is a ten week class, and it is always a precious time for me to learn the hearts of people who have a true desire to serve God by serving others. I haven't experienced a thousand difficult days by any means, but a lot of the difficult days I have endured were as a foster mother.

It is a difficult calling to love someone who you are almost positive will leave you with limited notice, and an uncertain future. It is something that God did through me, because it was a time in my life (almost six years!) that I could not have done on my own. It was a time I made a lot of selfish mistakes, and learned a lot of hard lessons. It was a time that I thank God for. It is a time that molded me.

I write all of that to say.. foster care is terrible. It is a mother losing her child and a father hitting rock bottom. It is a child in a constant state of missing people they truly love. Foster care is a tragedy. Truly, a tragedy.

And lately I've seen and heard a lot of people anticipating the arrival of foster children ( I keep in regular contact with many of the couples I teach in foster parent training). And I understand their eagerness, they have endured the ten week class, they have gone through detailed home inspections, their backgrounds have been checked, their pets have been proven vaccinated, they've dealt with the doubts of loved ones. They've followed their hearts. And now they are ready to make a difference. I have been there. I know how they feel. They are waiting on those children.. but I wish they wouldn't.

I wish they would realize that a child coming into their home is a terrible loss. A life changing time for a family. The worst day in the life of the child they eagerly anticipate. I wish I could tell them to be thankful for everyday their foster care agency doesn't have to call them, because unfortunately there will be too many days that they do.

If it is on your heart, I always encourage you to become a foster parent. The best thing that can happen on that child's worst day is they be welcomed into a stable, loving home. I thank God regularly for the times I have seen scared children immediately loved by strangers. I praise God for compassionate hearts.

Grieving.

Tim's daddy passed away last Monday. It was sad and terrible and a pain that neither of us had ever experienced. We had been at the hospital for several days staying with Mr. Tim and while we knew that his condition was not ideal, I don't think any of us were prepared for him to pass away so suddenly. The last words Tim and I heard him say were light hearted, and I am thankful for that. The ride home for Atlanta after he passed away was long and tear filled. And the days that immediately followed were overwhelming. My husband helped plan his daddy's funeral on his birthday. The weight I felt for him and feel now is heavy.. and I have wondered over the last few days how you get your husband thru something so terrible. I know that life is a cycle, and I know that death is part of that cycle. But it is the hardest part. The most dreaded part. And while I am confident that Mr. Tim suffers no more and is in heaven, the hurt here is still real.

My dad's mom died before I was born, and his dad lived far enough away that we didn't get to spend a great deal of time with him before he passed away when I was young. I spent most of my life with one set of grandparents. And while they are the best set of grandparents anyone could ever have, I still felt a tinge of sadness when my cousins would leave for their Christmas with the other side of their family. I remember those feelings, and that makes me hurt for my children. I hate that my children lost their Paw Daddy. I hate the ache they will feel the rest of their lives over that missing piece. But I am confident they will remember him. I am confident the impression that he made is lasting. And I hope the pictures and the reminiscing in years to come with ease their pain.

I'm sad for Tim's sisters as they have lost their daddy. I hurt for them. I am sad for Mr. Tim's wife Trina. I know how much she will miss him, and I cannot imagine the grief she feels as she also mourns the loss of her precious ten year old granddaughter who passed away just a few weeks ago. I'm sad for everyone who lost Mr. Tim as a friend. But I am not sad for Mr. Tim, I cannot be. I know he is receiving all the promises of the bible. And I pray that the choices we make on earth will lead us to the same reward.

Dear Grandmama and Granddaddy,

We are all who we are because of a series of people and events that we encountered. Some that make us joyful and kind, others that make us distant and damaged. Some of these people and events have huge impacts on who we are as people, and others are not as significant and we think of rarely.. if ever.

I've thought some about the times and the lives that have developed me. And when I think of big impacts, my grandparents come to mind. So I decided that I would like to blog to them a letter, a letter that they can read, and I can keep forever.


Dear Grandmom and Granddad,

I have to start with I love you, because love this the first thing that comes to mind when I think of each of you.

I have so many wonderful memories of you growing up. I remember coming to the store after school, and granddaddy riding us around on his gadget that would move boxes. I remember grandmom taking us to buy a glass bottle coke from in front of the store and taking it to the booth in the back. I always felt so special that I got to go to the back parts of your store where other people didn't get to go. I loved running my hands deep in the barrels of seeds (even though we were told not to!). I still feel a joy when I pass that store. I loved the years it was "ours". :)

I remember grandmom playing house with us for the longest time. Playing whatever role we asked of her, and granddaddy taking us to the tire swing out by the barn. I remember how I slept better in that twin bed at your house than anywhere else in the world. I still do when I am lucky enough to get to nap there :)

I remember putting my head on grandmama's head at church until she thought I was too old and would pop her shoulder up and down when I put it there. I remember reading the family tree in her bible over and over during church. I have so many memories of you at church because you were always there. Leading a life of devotion by example.

I remember big Christmases. Full of tradition. And food. And gifts. I love how you taught the true value of tradition. I love listening to grandmama read stories on Christmas eve, and how granddaddy always selects someone to pray.

I love that grandmom always says she's on call 24/7 and she means it. I have tested it. Thank you for caring about us even more than you care about yourself. You are a shining light and every example of selflessness anyone could need.

I remember the Ranch. I loved watching Granddaddy laugh out on the porch. And stomp his feet to the bluegrass. I love that y'all let me stay in the room with you so that Bert and I could have some space on those weeks in the mountains :)

I love that Granddaddy is calm and grandmamma is passionate. I love that you both approach situations with your hearts in the right place. I love telling people that I am your granddaughter. I feel really proud to be yours. I love that even now as an adult you are one of the first calls I make in great happiness or real sadness. I love that you always have the right words, and that I know when I ask either of you for prayers you talk to God fervently on my behalf.

I am thankful for the way you opened your heart and your home to our desire to foster sweet children. I love that Andrew is your first great grandchild and how even before he was "officially" ours you treated him no differently. I know that adoption, especially transracial, wasn't as common for most of your lives, but you never let that effect how you treated/loved our family. I love that Cates is grandmom's namesake. I pray that she has the strength and courage that you have. I am thankful that Tim is so much like you, Granddaddy. I love to see my favorite qualities of you represented in my little family.

You are both bright spots in my life. You are both examples that I aim to follow. You are both precious to me.

Thank you for always loving me, and listening to me, and forgiving me. Thank you for being everything anyone could ever need from grandparents. And thank you for being two sets of grandparents in one, since I wasn't able to know my daddy's mom and papa died when I was so young. Thank you for being my heart and two of my best friends. You mean the world to me.

Love, Lindsey

..for the days when no one calls.

2015 has had it's fair share of difficult days so far. Certainly, there have been good days all along, but as a whole the last couple of months have been a struggle. I have seen people I love sick and in pain, people close to me have experienced true tragedy, I've heard mean words said, and people important to me have died.

It has been hard to watch people I love hurt. It has taken more from me, and been harder on me than I would have thought. And while I guess most of the difficulties I have dealt with have been more indirect than direct pains, they have felt substantial.

And in general, I think of myself as an encourager. I really think it is my gift from God, my strong suit. I am never happier than when I am in service to others. I really do look for opportunities to build people up. And I do not say that bragging, because I assure you there are more things I don't do that I should, than things that actually get done. But I say all that to say, I don't usually need a lot of building up. I am more of a doer than a "needer".

But lately, I have needed encouragement. Not a huge showing, not anything out of anyone's way.. just a call or a card or a whisper of love. And a lot of days, I got just what I needed.. and some days, no one called. And that's okay. Because most people are just surviving their own lives and situations. Most people probably needed a call themselves. But for some reason, on those days without encouragement, it really hurt my feelings.

But now that I have had a little bit of time, and a little bit of distance, I can see that what I was looking for in others was right in front of me. What I was looking for in others, God wanted me to take from Him. Comfort. Strength. Peace. Understanding.

And I am thankful for the reminder that God can meet all my needs, if I will let Him. I am thankful for the opportunity to lean more strongly on Him on the days when no one calls.

And I am really thankful for the people who do call. They encourage me to be more involved in the lives of others. They encourage me to work to meet the needs of others. They make me better and stronger. And more prepared for the days when no one calls.